Losing weight

I've lost 22 pounds...about 40 more to go.

Cancer-weight on my shoulders

That word sends chills up my spine. My mother had skin cancer and thankfully she's been okay since her surgery...she caught it early. Praise the Lord. I found out a week ago that a very dear friend and ex of mine has T cell non-hodgkins lymphoma stage 2, at the very early age of 34 yrs young. It's a rarer form of non-hodgins, making up only about 15%. The outlook to me isn't so good, about a 50/50 shot. Miracles do happen though, and he is young, strong and stubborn so it's possible that he could beat it. I find myself really struggling with this, we haven't spoken in a few years for reasons. 1) his lack of interest in my life 2) his selfishness 3) his fiance. I spent 5 1/2 years with him and he was my world for a long time and eventhough things didn't work out with him and I, I've always held a very dear place in my heart for his friendship. My struggle is that I wish I could talk to him, but I won't/can't call. I hold regret that I can't be there to support and offer any help. I chickened out and wrote an email to his Dad and stepmom instead, mostly out of respect for his soon to be wife. I find myself petty for this struggle of feeling really awful for him, his family and his fiance...and the awful feeling I have for myself and the way I feel about it. I guess I'm not really handling it all that well. It's sad, and he doesn't deserve it. No one does. I pray he finds strength through Chemo and that even though he wasn't a believer in God, that he finds him now. Better late than never.

Good thoughts your way Joel. You are loved.

1st Birthdays

There is nothing like a first birthday, and there will never be one twice...so, in the spirit of our daughters first birthday we spent it at Disneyland. I know, she won't remember it...but like I told my mother, I WILL. It was as much for me as it was for her. Maddisons first ride was Pirates of the Carribean, and boy did she have fun...from the vibration when it started and the giggles that ensued, to the drops, and finally every single pirate singing. She was eyeballing everything the entire time and taking it all in. She rode the train ride and the Pooh ride as well. We didn't want to overload her so we mostly walked around. My mom and dad played with her a bunch, held her hand as we walked and played in the waterfountain. Haha...that was precious. She had cake, mostly all over the place. It was definately a nice time and a great visit from my parents. My mom even rode a roller coaster with my dad, which I find amazing. She has let go of fear, what an amazing woman. I couldn't have gotten any luckier with the parents that God chose for me, they are the best!

It's scary almost that my daughter is growing this fast. I have to make every single day count, and enjoy every moment with her...even the moments where she is trying my patience and frustration builds. Being a parent isn't easy, and I can't let time slip by without really enjoying everything she has to offer and teach me. No wonder many people have more than one. They start missing those amazing moments of the firsts. Anywho, I look forward to many more firsts with my precious, beautiful, smart and amazing little person. I think she is the reason I'm here.

I love you miss maddi. Happy first birthday!

Our family has been very busy with life since Christmas. Maddi was, of course, illin Christmas Eve and full blown temperature by the morning. She was pretty miserable, but Ryan and I tried our best to make her as comfortable and happy as possible. Ryan's grandmother passed on Kim's birthday (Dec 28), so that was a big blow to the family since it was unexpected. We drove down to Escondito and stayed for a week with Carolyn and the girls to help with the house and anything else they needed. It helped Carolyn to have Maddi close, she can always put a smile on your face. Krissy, Ryan, Maddi and myself drove to Encinitas and went to the beach for a short visit on New Years Day. That was fun! My birthday came in February and had a nice time going to the Queen Mary with my two loves. March Ryan and I started our full blown diets (ie...eating right and exercising)...I've lost 12 lbs, and only have about 40 more left. Ryan is in the same boat! I feel soooo much better, but I have a long road ahead of me. As for Maddison, she is doing well...been taking 2 to 3 steps in a row and almost walking! It's amazing to watch the progression. She is soooo smart/sweet and beautiful it's ridiculous. The folks at Vons call her the "local celebrity"...she pretty much brightens someones day anytime they see her. Her birthday is right around the corner and she'll be 1 year old!!! We decided that we're taking her to Disneyland with my folks who are coming down from Northern California. I'm going to get cupcakes from the Crumbs bakery, which I know my mom will love more than anyone! Gotta love her sweet tooth. Anywho, that's about it for now...

Family fun

Maddi is growing wayyyy too fast. She's almost standing completely unassisted now and says a total of 3 words...Mama, dada, and aaaat (cat). She's so stinking cute I can hardly contain the love inside my heart. I just want to hug and kiss her everytime she looks my way (which is constantly). She's attached like glue and frankly, so am I! Christmas Eve is tomorrow and we're ready and waiting. I know that Maddi won't remember this Christmas, but since it's her first I just want it to be perfect and special. Ryan wanted Turkey, so I'll be making that tomorrow along with all the fixins...we'll be fat and happy!! It's going to be a nice Christmas with just the 3 of us this year.

Twilight

Ps...wanted to see Twilight this weekend, but never got around to it!!! Ugh...for sure Saturday even if I go by myself!

Thanksgiving 2008 in Paradise

The family and I packed up for our annual trip to Paradise to spend Thanksgiving with the grands, aunties and uncle. The drive up was stressful and the traffic was horrendous especially since Maddi had a tummy ache from the new baby food she was fed, farting up a storm and crying like someone was pinching her for the first hour. Made it there in 8 grueling hours. Thanksgiving was spent at grandma and papas, and unfortunately Karen couldn't make the trip. Everyone was thrilled to see Maddi crawling and being the crazed kiddo she is. Such a happy baby, loved all the attention. She was scared of grandpa this trip and I think it was the beard. Mom and I think he should shave the thing off, he looks like an ewok...but we still adore him. Got to see grandma Comer and all the girls. Krissy and Rhiannon came up from the Bay area to spend some time and Maddi just LOVED all the fun Krissy was having with her. I think she's her favorite at this point. Friday night we went to see Kimmy at the Christmas Cabaret she was in...had lots of fun watching her and spending time with the girls. Grandma Comer said her and Maddi had a great time playing with all her toys and snuggling (when Maddi would let her). Saturday we met up with my mom and dad at the horse arena and watched them ride, ate lunch and played in the outdoors. Ryan and I took Maddi for a walk around the grounds and played with our dogs, who adsolutely loved the new adventures they were having. The hubbie and I can't wait to get back the boys when we move up North. It's been really hard not having them with us, but they love the freedom that comes with living at my parents house. All the animals keep them quite busy. Grandma does need to slow them on their food, Kurtimo is a little too pudgy. Anywho, all in all we had a pretty great time, except for the fight Ryan and Gabe got into. Gabe really needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut about things that aren't any of his business. Lips just couldn't keep his mouth shut...some things never change. Still love the hell out of my brother regardless. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Sunday we packed up and drove home, getting in at around 4am...been pretty tired ever since. Got all week to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Here's some of the very few pictures I took...I need to get better at busting out the camera!!