Grandpa Buddy

He was a tough old bird to the very end. 75 years is a pretty good amount of time to touch a lot of peoples lives, friends and family alike, good or bad. Even though our falling out because of Lori robbed 10 years from us at least I have closure now, and know in my heart of hearts he was happy to see me. I didn't want him to be alone, so spending hours/days at the hospital with him even when he wasn't responding anymore was a blessing...I am so unbelievably grateful for that time and to my husband and daughter for being sooo understanding and good. I am thankful to have gotten to speak to him and tell him that I love him and that's it's okay, I forgive him. I wanted him to keep fighting and even though he wanted to stay his body just finally gave out...his heart stopped and so did his breathing. He is now at peace at my grandmothers side, reunited at last. I know he is looking down and understands everything now, all that went on and that it wasn't my dads fault.

I just want to say that I love you grandpa and will miss you deeply. I wish we had more time.

I also want to say to my aunt that I hold ill will towards her, even hate her (though I know that isn't healthy for me, but believe me when I say she deserves that and then some). Lord, please give her everything she deserves. She's a miserable human being, the lowest of the low!!! And is a very sick hearted person, greedy, power hungry, lover of money and manipulative.

Easter 2009

EASTER MORNING with Miss Maddison Rayn...Boy did she love her some peeps!

Salinas

Not the best reasons to visit the Salad bowl, but we'll be heading North to see my grandpa in the Hospital. He just underwent surgery for Colon cancer and is in recovery. I'm very excited and nervous to see him. He's 75 and with everything that's wrong with him the doctor says he's an a amazing man, and shouldn't be alive. Wow! That's hard to hear, but it's also wonderful cause he's such a stubborn old fart. Since the big family blow up 11 years ago, I've only spoken to him once and sent letters...so this will be the first time since 1998 that I've seen him or my aunt, uncle and cousins. I'm most excited to see Zak, a cousin who as a teenager I use to take care of 24/7. He use to call me mom, because I was with him more than his own mother (my aunt). He's now 6 foot and almost 14...seems I've missed out on ALOT. I am trying to be the bigger person and put all the hurt and anger aside and try to start fresh. Even though I still feel as though they should apologize. I will try my hardest NOT to see my other aunt, because frankly, I can't stand her and she was the source of the whole problem in the first place. A family with money always spawns a sibling to feel as though they are entitled to EVERYTHING. That is her, in a nutshell. Anywho, I'm VERY excited to introduce my husband and daughter to my dads side of the family...and possibly mend some very old wounds and have some closure on that portion of my childhood. Yay! It will be nice to drive by the old home and reminese about my childhood. Sometimes I miss Salinas, old friends, old places and just the area in general...with the temperate weather and vegetation everywhere!

It will be a short trip, but long time coming. I just want to be reunited and heal from the experience!

Losing weight

I've lost 22 pounds...about 40 more to go.

Cancer-weight on my shoulders

That word sends chills up my spine. My mother had skin cancer and thankfully she's been okay since her surgery...she caught it early. Praise the Lord. I found out a week ago that a very dear friend and ex of mine has T cell non-hodgkins lymphoma stage 2, at the very early age of 34 yrs young. It's a rarer form of non-hodgins, making up only about 15%. The outlook to me isn't so good, about a 50/50 shot. Miracles do happen though, and he is young, strong and stubborn so it's possible that he could beat it. I find myself really struggling with this, we haven't spoken in a few years for reasons. 1) his lack of interest in my life 2) his selfishness 3) his fiance. I spent 5 1/2 years with him and he was my world for a long time and eventhough things didn't work out with him and I, I've always held a very dear place in my heart for his friendship. My struggle is that I wish I could talk to him, but I won't/can't call. I hold regret that I can't be there to support and offer any help. I chickened out and wrote an email to his Dad and stepmom instead, mostly out of respect for his soon to be wife. I find myself petty for this struggle of feeling really awful for him, his family and his fiance...and the awful feeling I have for myself and the way I feel about it. I guess I'm not really handling it all that well. It's sad, and he doesn't deserve it. No one does. I pray he finds strength through Chemo and that even though he wasn't a believer in God, that he finds him now. Better late than never.

Good thoughts your way Joel. You are loved.

1st Birthdays

There is nothing like a first birthday, and there will never be one twice...so, in the spirit of our daughters first birthday we spent it at Disneyland. I know, she won't remember it...but like I told my mother, I WILL. It was as much for me as it was for her. Maddisons first ride was Pirates of the Carribean, and boy did she have fun...from the vibration when it started and the giggles that ensued, to the drops, and finally every single pirate singing. She was eyeballing everything the entire time and taking it all in. She rode the train ride and the Pooh ride as well. We didn't want to overload her so we mostly walked around. My mom and dad played with her a bunch, held her hand as we walked and played in the waterfountain. Haha...that was precious. She had cake, mostly all over the place. It was definately a nice time and a great visit from my parents. My mom even rode a roller coaster with my dad, which I find amazing. She has let go of fear, what an amazing woman. I couldn't have gotten any luckier with the parents that God chose for me, they are the best!

It's scary almost that my daughter is growing this fast. I have to make every single day count, and enjoy every moment with her...even the moments where she is trying my patience and frustration builds. Being a parent isn't easy, and I can't let time slip by without really enjoying everything she has to offer and teach me. No wonder many people have more than one. They start missing those amazing moments of the firsts. Anywho, I look forward to many more firsts with my precious, beautiful, smart and amazing little person. I think she is the reason I'm here.

I love you miss maddi. Happy first birthday!

Our family has been very busy with life since Christmas. Maddi was, of course, illin Christmas Eve and full blown temperature by the morning. She was pretty miserable, but Ryan and I tried our best to make her as comfortable and happy as possible. Ryan's grandmother passed on Kim's birthday (Dec 28), so that was a big blow to the family since it was unexpected. We drove down to Escondito and stayed for a week with Carolyn and the girls to help with the house and anything else they needed. It helped Carolyn to have Maddi close, she can always put a smile on your face. Krissy, Ryan, Maddi and myself drove to Encinitas and went to the beach for a short visit on New Years Day. That was fun! My birthday came in February and had a nice time going to the Queen Mary with my two loves. March Ryan and I started our full blown diets (ie...eating right and exercising)...I've lost 12 lbs, and only have about 40 more left. Ryan is in the same boat! I feel soooo much better, but I have a long road ahead of me. As for Maddison, she is doing well...been taking 2 to 3 steps in a row and almost walking! It's amazing to watch the progression. She is soooo smart/sweet and beautiful it's ridiculous. The folks at Vons call her the "local celebrity"...she pretty much brightens someones day anytime they see her. Her birthday is right around the corner and she'll be 1 year old!!! We decided that we're taking her to Disneyland with my folks who are coming down from Northern California. I'm going to get cupcakes from the Crumbs bakery, which I know my mom will love more than anyone! Gotta love her sweet tooth. Anywho, that's about it for now...